I'm so confused. I feel upset, stressed, tired, worthless, chubby, but most of all just confused. That conversation just threw me way off my center. Since that I haven't been fully focused. But why? Why do I let it bother me so much? I need like a personal week long sick day. Just when things were starting to look positive, things were looking better, then of course everything just does a complete 180 on me. Now I just have to wait for things to get better again. I need something new. Something that won't lie to me about having a girlfriend. Someone who will treat me like a decent, intelligent, pretty human being; not just some piece of meat. But I mean, I am in college. Maybe my expectations are just way to high. We'll see.

<3em[ily]

I so very much long for young love. Everything about it is appealing. Growing up with someone who enjoys your company sounds nice. But instead I'm only presented with lust. And to be completely honest I'm sick of only having someone lust over me. I mean it doesn't happen often so don't think that I believe I'm the hottest girl on the planet because that is far from true. But it would be nice to have love. To have someone want to take me out when I look completely wrecked. Who will accept the fact that I am not perfect.

I guess I'm lucky that I am still young and have plenty of time for some young love. <3

Do people get pleasure from prank calling someone to tell them all their flaws? I mean if you are going to prank call someone at least make it funny. I don't understand why people like to bring other people down. Is it really necessary? Are you really that unhappy with your looks and your life that you have to try and bring someone else down? How mature of you. And from a couple girls. I can bet that you all have at one point in your life said "I am mature for my age". And you know what? This just proves that you aren't So do everyone a favor and just stop because you are the only ones looking stupid.

And I was so enjoying my day. I wish I could just move to England. I feel like that is the only way to be able to start completely over. I know running away doesn't help at all but nothing else is helping either. Uuuuuuugh...

So I stay up with you all night because you needed motivation to do your homework. So what do I do? I suffer through my sleepiness because I know it will help you. I decide to go to sleep at 4:30 so I get a little bit of sleep before class.

Now I am sitting here, out of words and ideas and I ask for your help. You have nothing intellectual to add to my paper because I covered it all. Yet you say that you are smarter than I am. Really? Do you really believe that? THEN I ask if you will stay up with me til I finish because I want company. What do you do? You go straight to bed after leaving me to go play beer pong. IT IS MONDAY NIGHT! What the hell?

Why is it that I can do SO MUCH for people but when I need something or someone, no one can seem to help me out. It gets pretty tiresome after awhile. Gah I'm not happy anymore. Just cynical and in a bad mood all the time. What is wrong with me? I'm losing my mind...

happiness?

Well my good mood lasted for a record time of 2 DAYS. Why is it that I can't seem to just be happy. I have so many things in my life I should be grateful for. This is ridiculous. I need a whole new mind set. Hopefully I can work on that and everything will be better. I wish I could find someone who truly understood how I felt AND cared enough to be there for me. I'm broken and I'll be the first to admit it. Good night.

I find it funny. So I'm going to get this off my chest really quick. So you know how people are suuuuper religious? Yes, that is fine because I used to be too. I still am somewhat religious but my views are constantly changing. I mean I have a lot of questions and I guess I am stuck in a state of doubt about the whole subject. I will be the first to admit that I am trying to find my way in this crazy, chaotic world. But how in the world can you say you are SO religious yet do some of the things you do that contradict your beliefs? I mean sure you say that you don't go to church anymore. But is that all it takes to justify your actions? Because you don't gather with people who have the same views on the subject as you once or twice a week that allows you to constantly have sex, drink your ass off, and just defy everything you used to believe? I just don't understand how your beliefs can change so quickly. Is it attention? or do you think that by doing this you think you will make more friends? And I know I am a HUGE contradiction to this whole post but I even confuse myself too. I don't even know what I am trying to say here but some people just really seem dumb. Sorry for this random rant. I'll post a real update later. It has been forever since I posted on here. Well I'm gonna go make dinner now. Until next time Blogger <3

em[ily]<3

“To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.”

Truer words were never spoken. Brandi Snyder was a smart woman. Yet if that is so true then why do I feel so useless; Like I am not even just one person. I help so much. I don't help because I have to I do it because I want to. I obtain pure pleasure and joy from being able to help another person. It makes me feel good to bring someone else's spirits up. And this weekend I helped one of my roommates. I listened to her when she was crying in her room. I consoled her and told her we would handle everything that needed to be done. I took care of her and her friends when she decided to get drunk. I cleaned the dorm so it wouldn't smell and so we wouldn't have to do it the next day. I didn't do any of this because I felt obligated but I was able to do so. And I did. How do I get repaid? I would at the very least have expected a "Thank you so much for helping me out last night and being there." If not that at least a little appreciation. Instead I get "Fuck you Emily. I don't need you in my life. You aren't my mother so stop trying to help me". REALLY?!? Um then why the hell are you crying to me? If you didn't need me then stop coming to me. I don't know why you have to treat me like shit when all I do is give to you. I share almost everything I have and you say you don't need ME? Well that is fine because I definitely do not need you in my life.

This is why I hate girls. They are so self absorbed and think they can do ANYTHING they want. I suppose it is cool to treat the people who care about you and who sympathize for you like complete shit. Well let's see how that works out for you. Good luck. Honestly, I can say right now that you have pushed me as far as I can go. I want to say that I hate you but hate is a strong word. This is ridiculous because you have never treated me in a way to where I would want to be a friend to you anyway. But I am too caring and it looks like you are just another person who decided to take advantage of my character. Well I'm done now and you have just given me a reason to never speak to you again. At least until you want to settle this. But the worst part of it all? You don't think you did anything wrong. Your actions are justified in your mind. Hurting me and making me cry is okay in your book. Awesome. At least I know where you stand.

I was fine without having any friends at school so far and CSULA I am sure I can cope being on my own. Besides I do have friends so I definitely don't need someone as negative as you in my life so good bye. I'm out. I need positives bringing me up not your negativity bringing me down. Oh and you're welcome for burning you those CDs and giving you coffee and letting you borrow my clothes without you asking. Oh and thanks for always using my shit and breaking my printer. You are a real friend.

Sorry this was so negative but that is how I have been feeling lately. I just want to be happy again and I haven't been. Hopefully I'll be out of here soon. I'm going to bed now.

em[ily]