It is so hard to pretend not to care. When it happened the first time it was whatever. I figured it was a one time thing and something like that wouldn't happen to me again. But then it did and I shrugged it off thinking maybe I just wasn't having very good luck. But it just keeps happening. My question is why do I always get involved with jerks? I think I just attract them like old men to two cent whores. I think I have the words "use me and then break me" written on my forehead. I mean why else would this keep happening? And then people always have to run their freaking mouths. I thought leaving high school meant I could get rid of any bad reputation I had and be able to start new. Be able to get by with out being called a nerd or a slut or whatever else they used to say. But I guess I just look like a slut. People who don't even know my name are talking about me like they know my life story. NEWS FLASH, you don't have the slightest idea. Just because I was over at a friends dorm does not mean that we are having sex. Just because I have been spending a little more time with a guy does not mean that we are dating. The guys that I hang out with are only interested in one thing and that is definitely not me. So why am I the slut when she just gets around. Wow. Some people amaze me. Honestly, this is why I haven't been looking for someone. This is why I kept to myself in this department. THIS EXACT REASON. I am so sick of being hurt and they always say the exact same thing. "I'm different. I really care about you. You are not like all the other girls". Really? Because I'm pretty sure I heard those exact words come out of your mouth to other girls. While I was sitting right next to you. How stupid do you think I am? I feel like it just all doesn't really matter anymore. All of this has really made me think about everything in my life right now. I don't like who I am becoming. I don't even know who I am becoming to be honest but I can tell you that I don't like it. I need to take a big long break from everything and sort my own shit out. But for some reason I can't do that. My friends always have something going on and I need to put them first. In reality I should probably put myself first. I mean how in the world am I supposed to help someone else when I can't even help myself. But I just can't do that. I don't have the ability to fix anything without breaking down. I am such a fool and I am just so discouraged with everything. Boys, friends, school. I just feel so empty and alone even though I'm not.
Sorry this is so lengthy. I just needed to get it all out before I break down. I feel like such a brooding teenager but who else am I supposed to talk to? No one really wants to listen to my bullshit. So again, I apologize.
Good night for now. Hopefully I'll be able to get some sleep tonight. <3
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