fear.

I am so afraid. Especially of what is about to come. I have so many things I want to do but I feel stuck. I feel like none of it will happen. I mean, if I wasn't successful in high school with theater how will I EVER be successful outside of high school? And then there is my back up plan. How in the world am I supposed to get a career? Jobs are so hard to find so what makes it different for me? Am I wasting my time? I don't know anymore. The clearest of dreams and ambitions seem so foggy and distant. With everything going on at home, I am losing hope, and way to fast. I hate seeing my mom like this. It makes me want to cry when I hear her talking about it all. And I hate more than anything that I can't help her. 

And of course, my best friend is mad at me and has every right to be. I forget way to much everything that I have to do and just when I thought things couldn't get worse, she stops speaking to me. I was at a bbq this weekend and working on an anatomy project. When she got there and wouldn't even look at me, it took everything out of me not to just start crying. I felt broken, the one thing in my life that seemed so sure and always there...wasn't. Apparently I am a horrid friend and I feel like I'm going to be alone. It seems as though there is no hope anymore. And if there is one thing I don't like it's being alone. I like the comfort of having someone there. Wow, tonight is just an awful night. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.

Sincerly,

em[ily]