Why don't you try to get to know me?

I wish I could just talk to him. Get to know him. And there have been a few times where I have come so close to just swallowing up my stupidity and taking a chance. But I can't do it. Especially not anymore. I had a long talk with a friend today and I realized that it could never happen. GOD! I hate it more than anything when people assume things that are NOT true. I didn't do anything with him but if you are going to just believe what those stupid little dumb&$*#@ have to say then I hope that works out for you. 

Like really? This is only messing with my head. Sorry I'm not "cute" enough and I am not smart enough or confident enough. Sorry I don't have cute hair and that I listen to other music that is different than what you like. But since when is having EVERYTHING in common attractive? Do you want to date yourself? I sure don't. I want to meet someone new. Who has different interests than mine and can teach me something new. UGH. I just feel like I need to explode. 

I'm sick of people talking. I wish they would just shut up and leave me alone. I wish I could be what he wants. I wish I knew how to do that because he seems like a great guy. But he seems pretty well off now. So once again I fall just a little too short. But this time? It was all because of a stupid night that I shouldn't have even gone to in the first place. And a stupid rumor that I can't even believe you think is true...I have absolutely no hope anymore.

I'd love to hang out with you more. I would love to go with you to all the graduation events so you could enjoy the last couple weeks of high school. But I'm scared. No terrified. I think I am most scared of being a complete idiot in front of you. So for now I suppose I'll just admire from afar as you walk by me at a fast pace not even looking up or back to realize that I am smiling. It is really hard to talk to you when I feel like you could never open up for me. I wish you had more confidence because it would be so rad if you came up and talked to me :] But like you said, that won't happen. 

This year really sucks. Well my non existent love life anyway. You would think I'd be used to it all by now. I mean it keeps happening. The same old story. But no I can't seem to get rid of this empty feeling. There is a constant lump in my throat and my heart feels heavy. As if someone is pushing down on my not allowing me to come up just for a little bit of air. I keep saying I can't wait to leave but in all honesty, I don't want to leave high school on a bad note. I want things to be good. I want thinks to be like I always thought they would turn out. I don't know how to make that happen. With boys, I'm always a little too late or I come in at the wrong time. 

I want a lot but I don't feel like it is a lot to ask for if that makes sense. But now I'm just rambling on and it isn't even making me feel any better. I just wish you could give me one chance.

All I want to be is someone's somebody. But who wants me? No one. So I sit here and wait for the rumors to pass and for someone to see that I do have love to give. I have to much love in me and no one to give any of it to. I think that is the worst part. 

Sorry this is redundant and I'm so sorry if you read this. I would give you the two to three minutes you lost if I could. 

xoxo

em[ily]