“To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.”

Truer words were never spoken. Brandi Snyder was a smart woman. Yet if that is so true then why do I feel so useless; Like I am not even just one person. I help so much. I don't help because I have to I do it because I want to. I obtain pure pleasure and joy from being able to help another person. It makes me feel good to bring someone else's spirits up. And this weekend I helped one of my roommates. I listened to her when she was crying in her room. I consoled her and told her we would handle everything that needed to be done. I took care of her and her friends when she decided to get drunk. I cleaned the dorm so it wouldn't smell and so we wouldn't have to do it the next day. I didn't do any of this because I felt obligated but I was able to do so. And I did. How do I get repaid? I would at the very least have expected a "Thank you so much for helping me out last night and being there." If not that at least a little appreciation. Instead I get "Fuck you Emily. I don't need you in my life. You aren't my mother so stop trying to help me". REALLY?!? Um then why the hell are you crying to me? If you didn't need me then stop coming to me. I don't know why you have to treat me like shit when all I do is give to you. I share almost everything I have and you say you don't need ME? Well that is fine because I definitely do not need you in my life.

This is why I hate girls. They are so self absorbed and think they can do ANYTHING they want. I suppose it is cool to treat the people who care about you and who sympathize for you like complete shit. Well let's see how that works out for you. Good luck. Honestly, I can say right now that you have pushed me as far as I can go. I want to say that I hate you but hate is a strong word. This is ridiculous because you have never treated me in a way to where I would want to be a friend to you anyway. But I am too caring and it looks like you are just another person who decided to take advantage of my character. Well I'm done now and you have just given me a reason to never speak to you again. At least until you want to settle this. But the worst part of it all? You don't think you did anything wrong. Your actions are justified in your mind. Hurting me and making me cry is okay in your book. Awesome. At least I know where you stand.

I was fine without having any friends at school so far and CSULA I am sure I can cope being on my own. Besides I do have friends so I definitely don't need someone as negative as you in my life so good bye. I'm out. I need positives bringing me up not your negativity bringing me down. Oh and you're welcome for burning you those CDs and giving you coffee and letting you borrow my clothes without you asking. Oh and thanks for always using my shit and breaking my printer. You are a real friend.

Sorry this was so negative but that is how I have been feeling lately. I just want to be happy again and I haven't been. Hopefully I'll be out of here soon. I'm going to bed now.

em[ily]

Update!

Hmmmm, lets start with the days:

Tuesday!

I went to Pilates and had a fantastic work out. Then I packed up all my stuff and headed to the train to come home for Thanksgiving break. My mom picked me up at the station and we went home. Then after my amazing nap, Bailey got home from Santa Cruz and picked me up and we headed off to Irvine to see Dina. BED was reunited as well as Kim, Asha, and Dean! I knew it was going to be a good night.

Wednesday!

We woke up at 11 and headed to the cafeteria to get some breakfast/lunch. The food there was surprisingly very good. After eating we got our stuff and BED headed home. I got to see mommy and papa Westerhoff. I love them so much. Then I went home and chilled with the parentals. I had an early night haha.

Thursday!

THANKSGIVING! It was fantastic. It was nice to see my family and I think I ate my weight in food. It was marvelous! There were some minor trifles that day but I got through them. We went to my grandparents' house around 9 in the morning and ate breakfast. Then we visited and had out Thanksgiving lunch at 1. It was so delicious. Creamed corn is my favorite along with mashed potatoes! Haha. Then everyone headed home but my brother and I spent the night at the house. We spent time with Grandma and Grandpa until they went to bed. Then my brother and I had sibling time.

Friday!

First my Grandpa and I went to Legends to get breakfast for everyone. I ran into Collin and Evan from KK. That was a nice surprise. Then I spent all day decorating my Grandma's house for Christmas! It was so much work. In the past my grandma and I would always work together to get everything done. But she can't really do that anymore so I do it for her while she keeps me company. My brother put the tree up and did all the lights. Then he left after we ate lunch. We had leftovers and it was just as delicious as the day before. Before he left my grandpa paid us for our hard work. We don't help them to get paid. We do it because we like to spend time with them and help them. But it was a nice little perk (: Then I went home and changed. After I headed over to Sir Joseph York's house and we watched movies with Maddi and Dylan. They were being all flirty and stuff so it made it a little awkward but Joe and I just laughed at them the whole time. We went to Starbucks for COFFEE! And I run into a boy I knew in middle school. But I didn't know if it was him for sure so I didn't say hi. Turns out it was him haha. Then we went to pinkberry and I ran into another boy from my middle school. He recognized me and we chatted for a little while. It was nice. (:

Then we went back and watched another movie and Joe and Dylan killed zombies! I went home.

Saturday!

I got up and cleaned for a little while. Showered and did my hair then it was dinner time for my birthday! We went to Shogun and my dad got a sushi platter for an appetizer then we ate our meal. It was sooooooooo good.

from my parents:

_New high top converse

_Daisey by Marc Jacobs perfume and the bag that it came in.

_Up!

_two pairs of sweats from Victoria's Secret

from my Aunt Jeanette:

_40 dollars! I'm getting a new jacket. (:

from my grandparents:

_a straightener and 20 dollars to itunes

from my cousins Mindy and BJ and K and H

_ 30 dollars to itunes.

from Joseph

_25 dollars to itunes and coffee!

and Jacqui said she would knit me a headband! I'm stoked.

Needless to say I did pretty well (:

Sunday!

Birthday! (: My mom brought me an eggnog latte from starbucks as a wake up present. I got ready and Jessica came to pick me up. She gave me

_Victoria's Secret undies, they are SO cute!

_a yellow sweatshirt from Victoria's Secret

_perfume.

_and then gave me a mickey mouse antenna ball.

SHE TOOK ME TO DISNEYLAND! It was so pretty there because everything was all done up for Christmas. It even snowed on Main Street! I got three birthday buttons and had so much fun spending the day with my best friend

_skittles

_starbursts

_a butterfinger

_A RED BETTA FISH! (:

His name is Birthday Sex and I love him so much. He is so pretty and sits on my desk.

I think it is safe to say that this birthday was a very good one (: Probably the best one so far. I am so thankful to have such amazing people in my life

_em[ily]

Finally.

So this post is not about anything that happened today. My weekend post will be tomorrow. This is something I wrote while sitting in my Business class bored out of my mind. Let's fill you in real quick though. So things at school have been going down the drain this whole month. People like to run their ignorant mouths and spew shit that isn't true.

Lately I have been so out of it. My life has become so full of routine. Everything is so monotonous. I wake up, grab something quick for breakfast and go to my classes. Sure I'm there physically in class, but mentally I am not. My mind is never there. Life has become so boring. I go through my days with motions but never any emotions. I feel as though I am living my life on auto pilot. I wanted so badly to get out of Covina. Give myself a new reputation and not be tied down to what everyone here thinks and says about me. I wanted to get away from all the jerks I knew. I didn't want to leave the people who meant the most to me. I thought that moving away, even if it is only to LA, that I would meet intelligent people. People who like to talk about literature, who know what real literature is, and like t talk about movies and music and fascinating stuff like that. I mean I am in college isn't that what I am supposed to have? I wanted to meet more people like Jacqui, Tyler, and Max. People who know who they are and what they want. People who are not constantly concerned with stupid drama that doesn't even mean anything. Boy was I wrong. I think this situation is worse in college. Because not only do these people love to create drama, but they think they know everything there is to know on this Earth. NEWS FLASH, you attend Cal State LA. If you really knew everything, don't you think you would be at an IVY LEAGUE COLLEGE? People here are so quick to pass judgement and once their minds are set there is no changing them at all. I am trying to take all this negative as a learning experience but when is all this negativity going to stop? It keeps getting worse and hardly gets better. I keep letting myself get used. I let all of this happen and I need to change it. I need to surround myself around intelligent, fun, happy people. It would just be nice to have people who will continue to teach me things rather than constantly put me down. But we will see. Hopefully these rumors of me being a lesbian, sleeping with the entire firefighter team at CSULA, and getting freaky with the threesomes will die down. Things can only get better from here. I just need to focus on the quarter coming to an end and finish my final projects. Hopefully I'll do good.

Well I'm going to watch the episode of Glee that I missed. I'll update more tomorrow! Good night loves

<3em[ily]

Seen enough of my friends in the depths of the godsick blues

It is so hard to pretend not to care. When it happened the first time it was whatever. I figured it was a one time thing and something like that wouldn't happen to me again. But then it did and I shrugged it off thinking maybe I just wasn't having very good luck. But it just keeps happening. My question is why do I always get involved with jerks? I think I just attract them like old men to two cent whores. I think I have the words "use me and then break me" written on my forehead. I mean why else would this keep happening? And then people always have to run their freaking mouths. I thought leaving high school meant I could get rid of any bad reputation I had and be able to start new. Be able to get by with out being called a nerd or a slut or whatever else they used to say. But I guess I just look like a slut. People who don't even know my name are talking about me like they know my life story. NEWS FLASH, you don't have the slightest idea. Just because I was over at a friends dorm does not mean that we are having sex. Just because I have been spending a little more time with a guy does not mean that we are dating. The guys that I hang out with are only interested in one thing and that is definitely not me. So why am I the slut when she just gets around. Wow. Some people amaze me. Honestly, this is why I haven't been looking for someone. This is why I kept to myself in this department. THIS EXACT REASON. I am so sick of being hurt and they always say the exact same thing. "I'm different. I really care about you. You are not like all the other girls". Really? Because I'm pretty sure I heard those exact words come out of your mouth to other girls. While I was sitting right next to you. How stupid do you think I am? I feel like it just all doesn't really matter anymore. All of this has really made me think about everything in my life right now. I don't like who I am becoming. I don't even know who I am becoming to be honest but I can tell you that I don't like it. I need to take a big long break from everything and sort my own shit out. But for some reason I can't do that. My friends always have something going on and I need to put them first. In reality I should probably put myself first. I mean how in the world am I supposed to help someone else when I can't even help myself. But I just can't do that. I don't have the ability to fix anything without breaking down. I am such a fool and I am just so discouraged with everything. Boys, friends, school. I just feel so empty and alone even though I'm not.

Sorry this is so lengthy. I just needed to get it all out before I break down. I feel like such a brooding teenager but who else am I supposed to talk to? No one really wants to listen to my bullshit. So again, I apologize.

Good night for now. Hopefully I'll be able to get some sleep tonight. <3

So much has happened.

I don't even know where to begin. Geeee, well so far I am loving college. For the most part anyway. My classes are so easy right now and that gets a little frustrating but it is nice to not have so much going on for once. It gets lonely here but I have great roommates to keep me company. There is so much boy drama... And quite frankly, I am not interested in finding a boy right now. I mean sure it would be nice to have someone be particularly interested in me and someone who I can hang out with in the evenings. But so far, there is only one of those here and of course he is interested in my roommate. Story of my life right? Hahaha, half the people here don't even know who I am. It is always "Oh look! It is Ace and 'whats her face'" Hearing that gets old after awhile. Sorry I am not athletic and as good looking in your opinion as she is. That doesn't mean you need to be rude. I have been feeling a little off lately and I feel like I constantly need to be reminded that I am worth more than the crap that is being presented to me. But this shall pass hopefully. Oh, but I do have guys here that seem interested in me. But I definitely don't feel the same way. It always seems to happen like that. I don't know, for once I would like it to go my way. But it's alright. That is the last thing on my mind right now.

I had my Math mid term today. Well the first one anyway and it was SO EASY!! Oh my goodness. I finished in 20 minutes and got out of class an hour early. I checked my work for 10 minutes and still finished before everyone... Apparently people took the whole hour and forty minutes to take the test. The funny thing is, it was only 6 problems and they were IDENTICAL to the study guide. OH! And we got to use a page of notes. Like I said, my classes are so easy haha.

I have another essay due in two weeks. Hopefully this one will be as good as my last one. (: I have to pick an image and write about with the artist is saying to their audience. It should be easy since every time I go to a museum and look at the paintings I make up a story about what is going on. Last time at the Ghetty, my mom and I made it into a game and we couldn't stop laughing. So I need to find an image this weekend to bring in on Monday.

I'm going to see Chicago this weekend with the bestie and I am so excited to get all dolled up! And I love that show so I hope Citrus does a good job. I was SO CLOSE to seeing The Sounds tonight with Jasper but it turns out the person who said he couldn't go ended up going. I was a little upset because I bet that would have been such an amazing show. Oh well. Maybe next time (:

Hmmm, what else? ... I am absolutely obsessed with lastfm.com I got one today to see what it was and I LOVE IT!! Hahaha. I am also obsessed with The Arctic Monkeys, Hey Monday and The Scene Aesthetic. Random right? Well so am I so get over it.

I went to the guys soccer game tonight and oh man! Those boys are SO GOOD. I'm talking amazingly talented. The game was so intense. and so much fun. But this is enough randomness for the night I'll leave with this<3

I'll write more tomorrow and definitely keep this updated. I have been lacking so bad lately. Again because I have been feeling off and down. But I have a new outlook so things should seem better.

OH and I love fall. This is my favorite time of year without a doubt. Good night!

<3em[ily]

"Imagination will often carry us to worlds that never were. But without it we go nowhere."
_Carl Sagan

"I was just using her to get to you.

You don't think she cares right?" UMM ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!

Okay hold up. Let me start by saying this is going to be a long tedious blog about me doing a lot of complaining. So if you don't like that, then just don't bother reading.

Hmm, so last night my roommate Ace was supposed to go on a date with this guy Milo. He has been trying so hard to get with her and saying that he is different than the other guys and blah blah blah. He even told me that and told me how much he liked me. Anyway, so he comes over with his friend Gabe. Let's meet Gabe shall we. So he is from New York and lives in the dorm two doors down. Him and Milo come over all the time to visit. Well Gabe told Ace that he was totally into me and he thought I was cute and different and blah blah blah... But that I was to good for him. First of all. WHAT THE HELL? I'm not to good for anyone. No one is "too good" for any one. But whatever. So he ends up coming over with Milo and they asked if Ace was ready. Well of course she wasn't because I was finishing her hair. And Gabe said, "Why aren't you ready? We are going on a date too" So I went and changed. Well we went over to their place and they made us pasta for dinner. It was delicious! And we were all having a great time. Well they ended up leaving pretty soon after dinner because they had to meet up with some friends who were visiting. So Ace and I went to their place again to visit with their roommate Roy. He is such a sweetheart. Well we find out that the night before Milo had sex with some other girl and has been playing Ace. The Gabe comes back and goes on a walk to talk with Ace. She comes back and tells me that he said to her that he really likes her and was just using me to get closer to her. Then he asks her if that would bother me. WHOULD THAT BOTHER ME? Umm, I don't know. Being used usually doesn't matter right? Ughhh. This just proves my theory that most guys are all the same and it takes a lot to find a decent guy. I mean I didn't have a thing for Gabe, I never let my guard down thank goodness. It is just the fact of the whole situation. But I am definitely the DUFF (Dumb ugly fat friend) between Ace and I. All the guys LOVE her and I mean I wouldn't blame them. She is absolutely beautiful and so amazing. But I thought college would be different. That guys would start to notice me. But I guess not. Oh well. I am here to learn right? And that is what I am going to have to focus on.

But college is great. My classes are so easy for right now. And I have made some great friends, and had some amazing nights (: Haha. But we will see how the rest of the quarter goes. Money is becoming to be such a stressful issue. I mean more os that before. I got my housing bill and almost had a heart attack. And apparently I can't get a job on campus because I don't qualify for work study... I don't have a car so I can't get a job off campus either. Uggggggghhhhhh ): Hahaha. But I'm goign to go talk ot financial aid on Monday hopefully.

But I'm outies because David McMeekin is coming over soon to visit me! Yeeeee <3>Okay byee!

em[bem]<3

Tomorrow is my first day of college. I am kind of scared!! Hahaha But I only have one class in the morning so I'll be bored the rest of the day. But I do have some errands to run so I'll do those then. I'm still loving my dorm. I went out with Ace, my suite mate, last night and we had a blast (:

Granted I got ditched cuz I wouldn't put out but it happens. We are still waiting for out fourth suite mate so we will see who it is soon hopefully!

Now I'm watching the wonderful Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's.<3

I'll blog more tomorrow. Big day! Haha. Byee

em[ily]<3>

Welcome to my life

So I just recently moved into my dorm at Cal State LA. This past weekend actually. So Let me take you on a little tour. (:

This is my patio and to the right is how you get into the place. It's really pretty and I had dinner on the patio last night with Jessica. (:

This is the living room. The furniture looks uncomfortable and that is because it is (: Haha. Ariel, one of my suite mates, and I decided we were going to get rid of the chairs and put bean bags instead (: But we aren't sure yet.

This is the dining room. Those chairs are a little bit more comfortable. (:

This is my portion of the fridge (: I got me some silk, diet coke, potato salad, salsa, turkey, cream cheese, velveeta cheese, strawberry jelly, butter, a chicken alfredo dinner, some strawberries, and orange juice.

This is my cabinet and I have one more too but currently there is just my magic bullet in there. I have three shelves with all my kitchen stuff and dry foods (:

This is the kitchen. It is pretty big and has everything. It even has a microwave to the right. and a lot of cabinets (:

The left side of my closet.

and the right. I brought a ton of clothes. I almost think I brought too much but then again I am living here so it might be the perfect amount (: and the closets are very room.

My bed! It wasn't very comfortable until I put my foam mattress pad on it. Now I sleep like a baby. And yes, I am aware that I have a lot of pink going on. They don't sell yellow dorm room stuff. Haha.

This is my desk. I'm assuming that I will be spending most of my time here haha (: There are a lot of drawers and currently it is very organized.

and again (:

I love where I am living. I have met so may fun people and already got invited to events. It is fantastic. I am excited for the year. But as of now, I am so bored. We are still waiting for the fourth girl to move in.

My roommate is really quiet and I don't think she likes me very much. Any time I invite her to come with me she says no thanks and stays in the dorm. And when I try to talk to her she doesn't say much. Maybe she is just shy or homesick. I can't blame her. But she is really nice and I am glad she is my roommate. (:

Then there is Ariel. She is from Glendora so she knows a lot of my friends. She lives in the bedroom across the way and we get along very well. There is never a dull moment. But she isn't staying the night here until Tuesday night. She is still moving everything in and going back and forth so I haven't seen her much.

So right now I am in my dorm all alone till about 3:30 because my roommate is at a meeting. So I am very bored haha. Later today I think I might go pick up my books and then tell Bob about our broken fridge. There is a crack in the middle of the bottom shelf so we can't put anything on it.

Well I'm off (:

<3em[ily]

You know what is really strange? I had the most amazing dream about him this morning. But whenever I have a dream about him, I am just grateful that he used to be in my life and then forget that the dream ever happened. I take it for what it is, a good dream. It seems to have been working for me. Until tonight. Of course, guess who texts me? He does. He just walks right back into my life after leaving for close to a year. I know that is not that long for someone to be gone but regardless. I fell for him, hard. And he left. And everything was going fine. But now he is back. I want to just push him away so badly, but I have missed him like crazy. This is bad. I know exactly what I am getting myself into. Heartbreak again. But I don't care. 5 minutes of happiness and just spending time with him is worth hurting for 5 months. I know it is stupid but he was such an amazing friend and I hate how everything ended. I hope this changes for the better. For now, I sit here waiting for him to realize how happy he really makes me. This whole thing is stupid. Sometimes I really do wish I was a girlbot. Then I wouldn't have to feel this way, I could just go about my business. Well, I guess this is what growing up is. And quite frankly, I don't want to grow up. Things are so much easier now. Growing up just seems scary. Yet, we all have to go through it. For me, I will just take whatever life throws at me and learn from it all.

Side note: I wanna be in a band and just be able to sing all the time. That seems like it would be wonderful.

Okay well I'm tired and I need to get up early to go running before it gets hot!
Good night. And sorry for the blabbering.

Until next time,
em[ily]

It's early.

And I am definitely still on my summer break. It is so weird that almost everyone I know has started school or has been in school for a while now. But I move in 9 days. So that is pretty exciting!

I went for a nice little run today with my ipod and puppy. Now he is sleeping at my feet. Looks like I really wore him out haha. (: It was such a pretty morning. But my shoes are still not fully broken into yet. So my feet started to hurt towards the end.

Gahh, aren't they just so sexy? I mean the whole band is so incredibly good looking. I don't understand. I saw them on Tuesday night. My best friend and I went to the taping of Jimmy Kimmel Live just so we could watch them promote their new CD Love Drunk, which is absolutely amazing by the way. They are just so good live. Even their sound check was wonderful. Jessica and I were right up front. And I know I may just be acting like a crazed Boys Like Girls Fan right now but I swear to you, Martin sang right to me when they were playing Hero/Heroine and The Great Escape. We definitely had a moment<3 And during Heart Heartbreak Bryan definitely pointed and smiled to Jessica and I because we were rocking out to the guitar solo (Paul did fantastic). I also swear Paul and I had a couple moments but maybe I'm just being crazy hahaha. He looked amazingly beautiful, as always. And John handled those drums. I also got Martin's guitar pic. I saw it come toward me and I put my foot over it the had Jessica grab it because Martin is her all time favorite. So she said it was a birthday present haha. Paul is my all time favorite and I was SO CLOSE to getting one of his guitar pics. But some DB hit it out of my hand and when I picked it up off the ground she stepped on me. And to be honest, it just wasn't worth it haha. If she wanted it that bad then you can have it. I'll just try and get one at their next show. Bryan is also a favorite of mine because I have this weird obsession with bass players. (: My dad came home from Illinois yesterday so I picked him up from the airport. He was gone for way to long. The car ride home was nice (: I missed him a lot.

Well, that is pretty much it. Sorry for the mindless, band crazed blog. Hahaha, I feel like my IQ dropped by just writing all this mindless madness. But it is so true! BLG will always be one of my all time favorite bands. Until next time<3

em[ily]

So today was Labor day.

How was your day?

So much has happened lately. I just haven't had time to update haha. I almost have everything crossed off my Summer To Do list! So that is pretty exciting (: OH! Bailey, Dina, Kim, Alyssa, and myself all went slip and sliding this last week. It was amazing. haha. We took two huge tarps and put them under the sprinklers at Cedargrove Elementary and just handled that haha. We decided to do it every summer when we come back from college! I love those girls.

Hmm, lets see. Where do I start. Friday? Well that was Slip and Slide round two. Dean joined us after the football game. And we had soap this time. Aroma therapy soap and it was just plain out sexy. haha.

Now for Saturday? Bailey and I picked up Kim and we headed out for the Fair since it was only a dollar to get in from 10-1. That day was a disaster haha but in a good way. We left my house at noon thinking that we would make to to the fair before 1. I mean it really is not that far from my house. Well the freeway was completely PACKED because everyone was leaving for the labor day weekend. It was awful. So we get off and take Arrow to get to the gate and what stops us this time? A FREAKING CHECK POINT! WTH?!? Why in the world is there a check point at 12:00 in the afternoon. No better question, who would be drinking and driving already? So of course we don't make it in time for the dollar entrance so we decide to go to San Clemente. Why there? To get us some Rainbow sandals. Because at the warehouse they are much cheaper. But guess what?? There is still so much traffic. But we needed to get there before 4:00 otherwise they would be closed. 4 hours is enough time to get to San Clemente right? Well close. It took us what on a normal day would take 45 minutes 3 and a half hours. But we still got our chanclas so it is all good (: Then we ate at fat burger and I came home. What else? Oh, so I find out Mahana is talking mad shit on me. No wonder people at Charter Oak hate me. It is people like him and all his friends that give me a bad name. Guess what? I'm not in high school anymore so just leave me alone and let me continue my life with out you constantly bring me up. Do you really not have anything else better to talk about than me? Wow that is pathetic. Go do some homework or something. And while you are at it, flog your log ass... But I went to Jacqui's house and her Tyler Jessica and Veronica all made me feel better. So I stayed the night there.

Sunday is next I believe. Well I came home from Jacqui's and slept for a while because I was so tired. Then I got all dolled up and went to my best friend's house. Then we (Her mom, me and Jessica) headed down to Los Angeles to the Pantages Theater. We got to see Legally Blonde for her 19th birthday. Her mom got amazing tickets. We were right in the middle 7 rows back from the front!! The show was absolutely AMAZING! I don't know what it is about going and seeing a show but I always manage to cry because I just get so happy watching those talented people dance and sing on the stage. I was just blown away with how great the show was. I am so grateful to have been invited to see it! Definitely top 5 best shows I have seen. (: Gahhh. Then we went to Applebees for dinner. After that I get a call from Bailey asking me to go with her to visit Cory. So we go to John's house and hang out with those boys for a little while. I miss them so much. Everyone there was just so nice.

And today! Bailey, Kim, and I went to the FAIR!! Hahaha I love the fair and we still made it in for a dollar. We all got really cool Henna Tattoos. I got Casper on my foot because that is my nickname (: Bailey got the Japanese water symbol on her foot and kim got these cute little feet on her foot. Ironic right? Hahaha. They fit us so well. Then we ate at Pink's Hotdogs. Mmmm it was delicious! And we each won stuffed animals. I got a giraffe (Surprise there right?) then Bailey got am elephant, and Kim got a lion. We were super cute today. And some guy even said we were Charlie's Angels. haha. After the fair I came home and napped for entirely to long. Now Jessica is sleeping over because tomorrow after she goes to school we are going to Hollywood to the Jimmy Kimmel Live show to see BOYS LIKE GIRLS! They are one of my favorite bands and I could not be more excited. (:

So I guess you could say I had a good Labor Day Weekend haha. I'll post tomorrow after the show! Love you!

em[ily] <3

All I want

is to start college already. I am so scared about it. I hate not being able to sleep well and being nervous about it all the time. Ughhh. I just want to get the dreadful first day over with haha. I hope I can make it to my classes on time and what not. We will see. I'm super excited to move in though! I got a ton of cute stuff for my dorm.

Some towels and washcloths! Now I'll be squeaky clean.

The Olague Family made me this super warm blanket<3

a really cool desk lamp. It has so many compartments!

A GIANT cd case to hold all of my cds.

Mattress pad so my bed is a little bit more comfortable. (:

A big yellow bowl that I prefer to use as a hat.

Tall cups for mah draaanks!

Measuring cups and spoons just in case.

Some plates!

Another big measuring cup!

Dish towels.

Some bowls for my cereal and top ramen!

Silverware to eat with because I'm not a caveman.

And chip clips that also work as magnets!

And the best part is that most of the yellow kitchen ware was only a dollar at target! Plus it is yellow haha. No one will mistake my stuff for theirs. Unless of course theirs is yellow also. Pretty neat huh? I think so. Thanks Mom!

So bummed.

I definitely got a call today from H&M. I applied to work there near the beginning of summer and when do they call me saying I may have the job? Today... I MOVE IN A MONTH FOR COLLEGE! Ugh. I'm so disappointed because I would absolutely LOVE to work there. But of course there is absolutely no way I could make that work. I'd be so stressed out. So I turned it down. Natalie was very nice about it though. So that's good. Maybe I can apply to one in LA closer to my school. We'll see.

AHH I move out in 27 days! I am stoked. I can't wait to meet my roommate and the people in the suite. I can't wait to decorate. But to be completely honest, I am scared to leave my parents. As much as I say that I want to move out and that I hate them, I don't. I just get angry sometimes. Like everyone does.

Well I should go clean now. I have procrastinated enough today. Byee!

I'm desperate to know how you are.

So I haven't used this in a while. As you can tell, my look has changed a bit. I donated my hair to locks of love (:  But I am going to get back into the swing of things. I mean I have a tumblr [emilydarling.tumblr.com] and twitter [www.twitter.com/em_bem] and daily booth [dailybooth.com/emily_darling]. Not to mention my myspace and facebook. I just collect websites like it is going out of style (:

But I need to blog again. Like really blog. About nothing, about everything, just for me. Things have been hectic lately. It is starting to hit me hard that everything is going to change and way fast. All my friends are leaving for college with the few exceptions. It is going to be weird not seeing everyone everyday and that scares me. But for now I will just enjoy what is left of summer.

I finally got sushi today and i have been craving it for so long! Gah it was so good. haha. And it was nice to see Max, Jacqui, Michelle and everyone else who was at his dinner. (: But I'm sleepy so I will blog more tomorrow. Goodnight!

The way you love me (:

Hahahaha. Oh how I love this boy. I'm so glad he is still here.

Today was fairly good. Applied for a million jobs. Trying to stay optimistic.

All I can do for now is to dance and love.

I'm trying not to think about the bad.

Just trying to enjoy being young and stupid<3

Sincerly,

em[ily]<3

Make the most of today.

I hate being at home anymore.

I also wish I wasn't such an emotional mess.

I feel like crawling up into a hole and never coming out.

Today was one of the hardest days I will have to encounter.

):

I can take it. It will work out.

Can I be honest? It is getting harder and harder to trust people lately. I mean there was a thought in my mind that he only took me out because he wanted to tell all his friends how easy it was to get me to kiss him. But I thought maybe I was just over thinking things. I mean he isn't that kind of guy right? Then why did he go out searching for one of my best friends and kiss her? I guess I wasn't worth it. I wasn't worth anything to him. And the sad thing? I have always kind of liked him. I thought we had a good time. Well I did anyway. But whatever. If it is meant to be, it will happen. He is pretty amazing though. It all just keeps getting harder. It finally hit me today that I graduated. Nothing is going to be certain anymore. Nothing is safe. High school was so safe. Now I have the real world to get into. And quite frankly, I'm scared. No terrified. So many of my friends are leaving and I feel so lost. Everything is happening so fast. I constantly feel like I have to cry. I am an emotional mess. My grandma gave me a poem about me today and I started crying and I couldn't stop. ughh. 

On a lighter note things were going really well. I know it has been a while since I really updated. Where did I leave off. Well Prom was absolutely fantastic! I was the prom queen :D yay! and the people I was with made the evening so amazing. Gahh I had a wonderful time. I also made the cover of the school paper because of it and they picked an awful picture haha. But I don't care. What else? Bay and Dina did a great job during powder puff haha. I wish I could have played. Also! The thespain award show happened in between the dry spell of me not updating. That was such a great night. I got to go to BJ's with my greatest friend. I also won Best Supporting Actress, Best Senior, Best Actress, and Best Thespian. Overall I think my hard work payed off. Then after the show we played tag at Royal Oak. Jacqui, Tyler, Jessica, Greg, Chris, Michelle and myself. Tyler is so fast. It is ridiculous. Lately I have been having the time of my life (: Besides the whole boy set back. But summer is here and I am going to enjoy every second of it. Hopefully I can find a job haha. Wish me luck. I'm going to go watch a movie<3>

Sincerly, 

Em[ily]

Gah!

There is so much to update on. But not enough time right now. Let me just start of by saying that I am typing this on my brand new MacBook! Yay!! haha. I love love love it so much (: I promise to fully update later today but for now I am going to breakfast soon and I'm so upset that Maddi is leaving for Texas on Sunday. I feel like crying every time I think about it. That's all for now. Yesterday was a great day<3>

Love you!

Sincerly,

Em[ily]

As you breathe in and I breathe out<3

Today was such a great day! Won the football game in Civics and tomorrow if we win, Sarah and I don't have to take the final :] I got out at 10:40 today.  Football with the thespians<3 Oh so much fun. And I didn't do to bad. Then I had a nice talk with Mr. Dylan Heflin. He always makes me feel good. The the choir show. I wasn't really looking forward to it but it was actually a lot of fun. Eli and I hung out and I think he saved me from being completely bored out of my mind. :]

And ACE sounded good too! Haha. But there was a little sesh that made opening night much better. And it was actually really cute :] besides all the people staring. Regardless it was nice.<3

Now I sleep. Good night loves.

Sincerly,

Em[ily]

"A sunflower for Emily, a smile for me"

Today was a good, no, GREAT day :]

I read the above quote today and it only put me in a fantastic mood. Ohman.

Also! I love Eli. He is my new favorite person in choir. Such a cool person.

PROM! I can not wait <3

Okbyee.

fear.

I am so afraid. Especially of what is about to come. I have so many things I want to do but I feel stuck. I feel like none of it will happen. I mean, if I wasn't successful in high school with theater how will I EVER be successful outside of high school? And then there is my back up plan. How in the world am I supposed to get a career? Jobs are so hard to find so what makes it different for me? Am I wasting my time? I don't know anymore. The clearest of dreams and ambitions seem so foggy and distant. With everything going on at home, I am losing hope, and way to fast. I hate seeing my mom like this. It makes me want to cry when I hear her talking about it all. And I hate more than anything that I can't help her. 

And of course, my best friend is mad at me and has every right to be. I forget way to much everything that I have to do and just when I thought things couldn't get worse, she stops speaking to me. I was at a bbq this weekend and working on an anatomy project. When she got there and wouldn't even look at me, it took everything out of me not to just start crying. I felt broken, the one thing in my life that seemed so sure and always there...wasn't. Apparently I am a horrid friend and I feel like I'm going to be alone. It seems as though there is no hope anymore. And if there is one thing I don't like it's being alone. I like the comfort of having someone there. Wow, tonight is just an awful night. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.

Sincerly,

em[ily]

at least one of us is happy right?

I hate that I judge all guys because of him.












I really do think it is ruining my life.

As sad as it sounds

I only want the worst for you. The way you make me feel is just so unfair. They way you treat me is so disrespectful and rude and embarrassing. And as hard as it is for me to admit it, I just want you back in my life. But I could never bring myself to do something so low. So good luck with your life, good luck with your future. I hope you lie your way to the top and are very happy up there. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you will realize one day that you slowly killed me with every word that came out of your mouth. 

You have successfully made me cry so much that I am out of tears for the night. Congratulations. I hope you feel like a real man. I'm so sick of life taking a shit on me. What did I do? Ugh. And this whole Prom court is really taking a toll on me. People look at me even more like I don't belong at high school than before. I'm sick of all the staring, I'm sick of all the whispers. I never did anything to you. I kept to myself and will continue to do so. I don't feel like EVER coming out my shell ever again. 

And you? That hurt too. Every word you typed hurt me. And I know it wasn't attacking me directly but I know it was an attack in my general direction. You could not be more wrong by the way. So just shut up because you just sound stupid when noise comes out of your mouth. They aren't words, just useless noise. So why does it affect me so much? I have no idea. But you are all breaking me and when there is nothing left, it will be your fault and I do blame all of you. So I hope you are happy.

Oh! And I need to lose weight. I'm getting so fat. When I look in the mirror, I see this ugly, fat, retard who will never every be able to amount to anything. Gosh, I hate high school so much. I wish I was pretty, I wish I was cool, I with I was one of them. They seem to have their shit together. 

Now that I have successfully spilled my feelings I'm going to go. Maybe if I cry myself to sleep tonight I'll feel better in the morning. Good night.

I'm a bad friend

Because I won't take YOU to MY senior prom? I don't know what goes through your head sometimes. Why do you have to reel me in just to shut me out like you do? I know I hurt you but you hurt me too so if you want to play games, I'm done. Thanks :]

So stop talking about me behind my back to my friends. I'd appreciate that.

On a good note, I worked out today and it was wonderful. Hot body here I come! OH. and I'm going to start laying out so hopefully I'll get some sort of tan. Wish me luck.

IB testing is over thank the Lord haha. Which means school is almost out. Yay! I auditioned to sing the National Anthem today for graduation. I did horrid :[ But if anyone gets to sing it I hope it is Francesca. She has an amazing voice. But we will see. The list goes up soon!

I also got my prom shoes today so all that is left is my nails and other miscellaneous last minute things.

Well I'll leave you with this. Shower time after Gossip Girl<3

Good night :]

em[ily]

I like this picture because even though I look like a complete retard :] My hair looks really good. Hahaha.

SO! Yesterday I totally found the p e r f e c t prom dress. It is so pretty and I can NOT wait for prom. These next two weeks are going to be the longest weeks of my life. I also found my shoes. 

They look great and I'm going to go buy them tomorrow. :] I didn't think I would ever find a dress let alone the shoes to match but I did and it is absolutely wonderful. Everything about prom has been so easy so far and that makes me a very happy Emily :]

I just hope the day of is amazing. I'm a little worried about a few things. I hope my date doesn't get jacked...But we will see. Veronica Campagna, Jacqui and I made pretty good mixed CDs on Friday. They are bomb. Then I got to go see Fiddler on the Roof at Chaffey High School. It was a very good show. I got to see a lot of people from Karousel Kids that I miss so dearly. I also saw Scott :] I miss that boy so much. Saturday I spent all day shopping then saw my cousins and Grandparents. And today was mother's day. I had a very relaxing weekend. It was nice.

And now I have the most boring week. Starting with my last IB test. And quite possibly the worst one, the essay for English. YUCK! haha. But hopefully things won't be too awful.

That is pretty much it for now. I have a lot of insightful thoughts to comment on at a later time. I'm just far to lazy to do so right now. :] <3

em[ily]

Such a good day!

Definitely top ten<3>I woke up in such a good mood and I think that set the whole day up for me. :] Classes were kind of boring but in Civics we played football. Sarah and I kicked butt and totally won. We are the only team in our class who is still undefeated. Hopefully we can keep this up.

Then at break it was time to announce Prom court. As you can tell from my millions of other blogs, I wanted to be a princess really bad. So when they were about to announce the first name my heart stopped. But much to my surprise my name was the first one called! I was beyond happy. I didn't like standing up there in front of the whole school because I felt like I was being judged. Girls were giving my dirty looks but I just ignored them. This was my moment. :] The other girls on court all know each other really  well except me though. I feel like the outsider hahaha. But whatever. I could not be B math studies test and it was a complete j o k e. SO easy. I just hope paper 2 is just as easy. Then I got to see some of my favorite people after school and then went to BJ's for dinner with the fam bam<3>

However, all good days have their downfalls. I read something today that I am pretty sure is about me. I don't think so highly of myself usually but I think it is safe to assume this. And what I read hurt me. :[ I had no idea he was so upset. I really wish people would communicate with me more. I mean how do you expect me to just automatically know what your feelings are. If you don't tell me or make them clear, then I remain clueless. And then for you to blame this on me? To put all of that on me? I'm sorry. I didn't know being ignorant meant that I was in the wrong. It just frustrated me a little. I wish you could just come out with it. And the whole thinking boys are just candy? Ouch. I didn't know you thought so low of me. But whatever. I mean this may not even be about me. But like I said, I have a strong feeling it is. Maybe I will bring it up to him one day but for now I need to cool down. 

Well I am going to sleep now because I have a long day tomorrow. :]

Good night moon<3

143!

em[ily]

P.S. -->

^^ I'm a Princess. My GIANT crown says so!<3^^

These chickens jocking my style

They tryin' to copy mah SWAGGA!

Tomorrow at break!

:]

Wish me luck<3

Ahh haha.

Mike'n'Ikes and some loooovin'<3

Combining the pink and orange ones is like heaven in your mouth! :] Soooo good<3 ANYWAYS! I am in such a good mood. I don't know what has come over me. I think because I decided to start looking at all the little positive things instead of the BIG negative things, I have become a much happier person. There is no way I can make everyone I know happy so why bother? If you want my friendship, you will take the time to have on with me instead of me using all my effort on it. 

However, I am pretty sick of people assuming. If I have on pet peeve it is assumptions. If something seems off why don't you find out yourself if it is true. Chances are, whatever you heard from your little clique of friends, is not true. So do us all a favor and figure things out for your self thanks :]

Enough of that now. Today was a great day. I got to wear my grandma's sweater and it was so comfy<3 And all my classes are becoming WAY easier now. Probably because IB testing is almost over. And with testing being over comes Prom and graduation! Huzzah! haha. After school I got to go to Sonic with Greg, Dylan, and Tara and had bomb food. :] I love those fools. Then after missing like every freeway because of Greg we finally made it home haha. Tara and I talked about prom :] and then Greg and I went to the Charter Oak library to watch Intermediate perform their children's stories. The little kids there were so cute! Then back to Greg's where Jessica and Veronica and I took amazing pictures. Today was just fantastic. Then driving everywhere with my music blaring and windows down :] Which is my favorite! OH! that reminds me. I still need to do my 'b' favorite things haha. So much for that trend keeping up. Maybe I'll just do it after I shower. 

Tomorrow is voting. I hope things work out. I'll definitely let you know how things work out. Tomorrow is also WICKED WEDNESDAY! so how can tomorrow not be a good day? haha.It seems nearly impossible<3 

I'm so glad that things are finally looking up. And it is not like anything in particular has happened...If anything I should be so upset after reading something I didn't particularly want to read :[ but after he told me that, I felt like my heart was put back together again. For some reason, when I read that he was not interested for sure and that sunk in, I felt...better. I felt like because I knew where he stood and it was nowhere close to where I was things were okay. Sure it hurts to hear that you aren't particularly good enough or the kind of person he would be interested in but whatever. Like I said, he will make a girl very lucky one day. So good. :]

Well this is kind of extensive and I'm sorry. When I get in good moods I tend to ramble. It is one of the many downfalls of mine. So I'll go shower now and do my 'Bs' after. 

xoxo

em[ily]<3

p.s. Dodger game possibly on Saturday! I'm SOoOoOoOoOoOo excited. :D

Here's to you :]

Things are good. Getting better. :]

Which makes me a happy person. WED! ahh. Nervous. Testing is almost over then I am basically done with high school. That's exciting. 

I'm still confused about things lately though. Friend wise anyway. It seems like EVERYONE has a ridiculous amount of drama all at once haha. I wish everyone could just be content, including myself. And I'm getting there. So that is wonderful :]

I met a lot of really cool people on Saturday and I'll write more about that later. SUCH a good day. For now I will leave you with this. I'm exhausted and has a looooong day.

Love you!

xoxo

em[ily]

"She's a pretty girl. She's always falling down.

And I think I just fell in love with her"

want, desire<3

I think this watch is so cute<3 So classy. Simply chic. 
These are just wonderful. They would look fantastic with my LBD<3 I think my new obsession is Valentino. He designs the most amazing things. These pumps are perfect.
OH MAHH GOSH! I fell in love and it was with this bag. I isn't darling? haha. You have done it again Mr. Valentino. This bag will be mine one day.
So simple and so cute! I love these :]
I have had my eye on this bag for quite some time. I think it i so cute and it would go with so many things. Sure it is not my Juicy purse but it comes close :]

I realized that I hate online shopping because now I just want to buy all these things. Too bad designer items cost so much money. :[ I need a new wardrobe haha. Or more like I would love to have a new one. I suppose my clothes are perfectly fine but change is something that is definitely needed.

Nothing has really been going on lately. The STAR testing schedule really messed me up this week. It seems like the week dragged on forever. Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday. But this weekend is pretty busy for me. 

Prom court is decided next week. I am PRAYING that I get on court. I want is so bad and I can't wait to find out. Ahhh I'm nervous! haha.

My love life you ask? Non existent as usual ha. But I realized today that nothing matters anymore. With boys or friends. People are always going to talk to try and make things horrible for me and if people want to believe what they hear then fine. Looks like you just lost a friendship. Honestly, anymore, I couldn't care less if you want me as a friend of not. That is your decision. I love each and every person in my life. So it is on you. :]

I still wish that, lets call him N, would notice me. Or at least realize that he is amazing and worthy of a girl to love him. He is just to blind to see what might be right there. And that is fine. He will make on girl VERY lucky one day. Sadly that won't be me but I guess I brought this on myself in some way or another. For now I'll continue to admire from afar. That is still good. 

Actually I just need better timing haha. 

I need a trip to GMR soon. I want to check on my sunflowers and take some time to just relax<3 

My new found obsessions[in list form]:

1. Jacks Mannequin. I forgot how much I love them<3
2. Every Avenue. New but instant love.
3. The weather recently.
4. Dancing anytime and anywhere!
5. Happiness.
6. Grey's Anatomy. I left you for awhile but you have sucked me right back in!
7. Novels with those ever popular dark mysterious heros. Not really newfound but wirth mentioning.
8. Ellen Degeneres. Also left you for awhile and I apologize because you are simply amazing.
9. Hugh Jackman! sexiest man alive.
10. Online shopping.
11. A Day to Remember and Mayday Parade blasting in my car. I love the dirty looks I get or the surprised ones too. 

Well it is almost bedtime. Just a little bit of homework, then sleep time. :] I miss my jamies ha. XD

Goodnight,

em[ily]

Why don't you try to get to know me?

I wish I could just talk to him. Get to know him. And there have been a few times where I have come so close to just swallowing up my stupidity and taking a chance. But I can't do it. Especially not anymore. I had a long talk with a friend today and I realized that it could never happen. GOD! I hate it more than anything when people assume things that are NOT true. I didn't do anything with him but if you are going to just believe what those stupid little dumb&$*#@ have to say then I hope that works out for you. 

Like really? This is only messing with my head. Sorry I'm not "cute" enough and I am not smart enough or confident enough. Sorry I don't have cute hair and that I listen to other music that is different than what you like. But since when is having EVERYTHING in common attractive? Do you want to date yourself? I sure don't. I want to meet someone new. Who has different interests than mine and can teach me something new. UGH. I just feel like I need to explode. 

I'm sick of people talking. I wish they would just shut up and leave me alone. I wish I could be what he wants. I wish I knew how to do that because he seems like a great guy. But he seems pretty well off now. So once again I fall just a little too short. But this time? It was all because of a stupid night that I shouldn't have even gone to in the first place. And a stupid rumor that I can't even believe you think is true...I have absolutely no hope anymore.

I'd love to hang out with you more. I would love to go with you to all the graduation events so you could enjoy the last couple weeks of high school. But I'm scared. No terrified. I think I am most scared of being a complete idiot in front of you. So for now I suppose I'll just admire from afar as you walk by me at a fast pace not even looking up or back to realize that I am smiling. It is really hard to talk to you when I feel like you could never open up for me. I wish you had more confidence because it would be so rad if you came up and talked to me :] But like you said, that won't happen. 

This year really sucks. Well my non existent love life anyway. You would think I'd be used to it all by now. I mean it keeps happening. The same old story. But no I can't seem to get rid of this empty feeling. There is a constant lump in my throat and my heart feels heavy. As if someone is pushing down on my not allowing me to come up just for a little bit of air. I keep saying I can't wait to leave but in all honesty, I don't want to leave high school on a bad note. I want things to be good. I want thinks to be like I always thought they would turn out. I don't know how to make that happen. With boys, I'm always a little too late or I come in at the wrong time. 

I want a lot but I don't feel like it is a lot to ask for if that makes sense. But now I'm just rambling on and it isn't even making me feel any better. I just wish you could give me one chance.

All I want to be is someone's somebody. But who wants me? No one. So I sit here and wait for the rumors to pass and for someone to see that I do have love to give. I have to much love in me and no one to give any of it to. I think that is the worst part. 

Sorry this is redundant and I'm so sorry if you read this. I would give you the two to three minutes you lost if I could. 

xoxo

em[ily]

Favorite Quotes as of 4/20/09<3

"Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room at both ends." 

"There must be millions of people all over the world who never get any love letters... I could be their leader." -Charlie Brown! 

"You haven't lost your smile at all, it is right under your nose. You just forgot it was there."

Today was good I suppose :]

Everything is kind of dull. It all just meshes together. I keep focusing on prom and I really shouldn't but I can't help it. I just want to have a fantastic time! 

DTASC is also taking a toll on me. I'm very worried about out scene. But hopefully we will do fine. As long as I have fun right?

Also! The talent show is Wed. and I'm singing with my brother [he is playing the guitar] and I am SO nervous. 

Well time for Bedtime Emily. :]

I'm sleepy. Good night! Late start tomorrow! Wooo whooo!

I win! <3

xoxo

em[bem]

p.s. I enjoy dancing in my bathroom to Lady Gaga and the Hush Sound so much! Probably my favorite thing to do<3