want, desire<3

I think this watch is so cute<3 So classy. Simply chic. 
These are just wonderful. They would look fantastic with my LBD<3 I think my new obsession is Valentino. He designs the most amazing things. These pumps are perfect.
OH MAHH GOSH! I fell in love and it was with this bag. I isn't darling? haha. You have done it again Mr. Valentino. This bag will be mine one day.
So simple and so cute! I love these :]
I have had my eye on this bag for quite some time. I think it i so cute and it would go with so many things. Sure it is not my Juicy purse but it comes close :]

I realized that I hate online shopping because now I just want to buy all these things. Too bad designer items cost so much money. :[ I need a new wardrobe haha. Or more like I would love to have a new one. I suppose my clothes are perfectly fine but change is something that is definitely needed.

Nothing has really been going on lately. The STAR testing schedule really messed me up this week. It seems like the week dragged on forever. Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday. But this weekend is pretty busy for me. 

Prom court is decided next week. I am PRAYING that I get on court. I want is so bad and I can't wait to find out. Ahhh I'm nervous! haha.

My love life you ask? Non existent as usual ha. But I realized today that nothing matters anymore. With boys or friends. People are always going to talk to try and make things horrible for me and if people want to believe what they hear then fine. Looks like you just lost a friendship. Honestly, anymore, I couldn't care less if you want me as a friend of not. That is your decision. I love each and every person in my life. So it is on you. :]

I still wish that, lets call him N, would notice me. Or at least realize that he is amazing and worthy of a girl to love him. He is just to blind to see what might be right there. And that is fine. He will make on girl VERY lucky one day. Sadly that won't be me but I guess I brought this on myself in some way or another. For now I'll continue to admire from afar. That is still good. 

Actually I just need better timing haha. 

I need a trip to GMR soon. I want to check on my sunflowers and take some time to just relax<3 

My new found obsessions[in list form]:

1. Jacks Mannequin. I forgot how much I love them<3
2. Every Avenue. New but instant love.
3. The weather recently.
4. Dancing anytime and anywhere!
5. Happiness.
6. Grey's Anatomy. I left you for awhile but you have sucked me right back in!
7. Novels with those ever popular dark mysterious heros. Not really newfound but wirth mentioning.
8. Ellen Degeneres. Also left you for awhile and I apologize because you are simply amazing.
9. Hugh Jackman! sexiest man alive.
10. Online shopping.
11. A Day to Remember and Mayday Parade blasting in my car. I love the dirty looks I get or the surprised ones too. 

Well it is almost bedtime. Just a little bit of homework, then sleep time. :] I miss my jamies ha. XD

Goodnight,

em[ily]

Why don't you try to get to know me?

I wish I could just talk to him. Get to know him. And there have been a few times where I have come so close to just swallowing up my stupidity and taking a chance. But I can't do it. Especially not anymore. I had a long talk with a friend today and I realized that it could never happen. GOD! I hate it more than anything when people assume things that are NOT true. I didn't do anything with him but if you are going to just believe what those stupid little dumb&$*#@ have to say then I hope that works out for you. 

Like really? This is only messing with my head. Sorry I'm not "cute" enough and I am not smart enough or confident enough. Sorry I don't have cute hair and that I listen to other music that is different than what you like. But since when is having EVERYTHING in common attractive? Do you want to date yourself? I sure don't. I want to meet someone new. Who has different interests than mine and can teach me something new. UGH. I just feel like I need to explode. 

I'm sick of people talking. I wish they would just shut up and leave me alone. I wish I could be what he wants. I wish I knew how to do that because he seems like a great guy. But he seems pretty well off now. So once again I fall just a little too short. But this time? It was all because of a stupid night that I shouldn't have even gone to in the first place. And a stupid rumor that I can't even believe you think is true...I have absolutely no hope anymore.

I'd love to hang out with you more. I would love to go with you to all the graduation events so you could enjoy the last couple weeks of high school. But I'm scared. No terrified. I think I am most scared of being a complete idiot in front of you. So for now I suppose I'll just admire from afar as you walk by me at a fast pace not even looking up or back to realize that I am smiling. It is really hard to talk to you when I feel like you could never open up for me. I wish you had more confidence because it would be so rad if you came up and talked to me :] But like you said, that won't happen. 

This year really sucks. Well my non existent love life anyway. You would think I'd be used to it all by now. I mean it keeps happening. The same old story. But no I can't seem to get rid of this empty feeling. There is a constant lump in my throat and my heart feels heavy. As if someone is pushing down on my not allowing me to come up just for a little bit of air. I keep saying I can't wait to leave but in all honesty, I don't want to leave high school on a bad note. I want things to be good. I want thinks to be like I always thought they would turn out. I don't know how to make that happen. With boys, I'm always a little too late or I come in at the wrong time. 

I want a lot but I don't feel like it is a lot to ask for if that makes sense. But now I'm just rambling on and it isn't even making me feel any better. I just wish you could give me one chance.

All I want to be is someone's somebody. But who wants me? No one. So I sit here and wait for the rumors to pass and for someone to see that I do have love to give. I have to much love in me and no one to give any of it to. I think that is the worst part. 

Sorry this is redundant and I'm so sorry if you read this. I would give you the two to three minutes you lost if I could. 

xoxo

em[ily]

Favorite Quotes as of 4/20/09<3

"Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room at both ends." 

"There must be millions of people all over the world who never get any love letters... I could be their leader." -Charlie Brown! 

"You haven't lost your smile at all, it is right under your nose. You just forgot it was there."

Today was good I suppose :]

Everything is kind of dull. It all just meshes together. I keep focusing on prom and I really shouldn't but I can't help it. I just want to have a fantastic time! 

DTASC is also taking a toll on me. I'm very worried about out scene. But hopefully we will do fine. As long as I have fun right?

Also! The talent show is Wed. and I'm singing with my brother [he is playing the guitar] and I am SO nervous. 

Well time for Bedtime Emily. :]

I'm sleepy. Good night! Late start tomorrow! Wooo whooo!

I win! <3

xoxo

em[bem]

p.s. I enjoy dancing in my bathroom to Lady Gaga and the Hush Sound so much! Probably my favorite thing to do<3

The green monster dwells within me.

I wish he would make himself at home somewhere else because he doesn't make things easy...

I could use a long drive right now.

Preferably on the freeway, with no one there and I can go as fast as I would like. With some awesome mixed CDs blaring out my stereo and my windows down, the wind blowing in my hair and on my face. That is the only place where I feel at peace. Other than singing and dancing in my bathroom.

I think at this point, I am done. Done with trying to be considerate, done with guys just everything. I mean why should I bother being considerate to everyone around me when very few people show me consideration? Why should I try to get good grades and make curfew and be a pretty decent daughter just to get yelled at when my best isn't enough? What is the point? And I know I am not completely done with boys but for now I am. I mean does ANYONE know what respect is anymore? I suppose not. Who are you to think that it is okay to sit in the seat RIGHT next to mine in a theater that has a ton of empty seats. Who do you think you are that you can eat your smelly food right next to me and sit so close that I have to squeeze myself in the left side of the seat. I deserve to be comfortable too! And that isn't even the worst part. Who do you think you are that you can touch my thigh. You are like 40 and I'm 18. Sorry I wanted to just enjoy my movie. And the fact that you kept doing it after I pointed it out to you and told you to back off?? Do you really not have anything better to do than harass 18 year old girls who are out with their friends? Get a life. I mean this shouldn't bother me. No harm done right? Wrong. I mean I though people had a little more class than that. But apparently not. UGH. It gives me NO hope in finding anyone nice anymore. I seriously wanted to cry. Maybe I'm being over dramatic and emotional, but I really don't care. I just felt so violated. And I know nothing serious happened physically but I can only imagine what he was thinking. And that only makes me feel hurt and upset. I don't know. This whole things is stupid. 

And then on top of that, Zac decides to drunk call me to insult my Grandma. Really? How immature can a person be. That only hurt me because my Grandma isn't doing so well right now and I can't bear to lose her. Not right now. I need her here and I am trying my hardest to think positively. But it is really hard. And that kind of caught me off guard and threw me over the edge. I'm sorry I don't find you attractive and have better things to do than listen to you tell me how inferior I am because I am a white female. He is so inconsiderate to everyone. And when I tell him how much he really hurt me, he shrugs it off like it doesn't matter. Like my feelings don't matter. I don't understand how people can be so rude and immature. It just infuriates me so much. I'm trying not to let it because my dad tells me that dwelling on something negative isn't going to change the outcome. But what happens when the negative action that is being dwelled on happens over and over and over again. 

And in 17 Again they Zac Effron said, "Things always seem worse when you are a teenager. Everything seems like it is the end of the world." And that is so true. But I don't care. This is how it is affecting me and I will have to deal with that. 

OH ! then on top of all of that I don't even want to go to prom anymore. I had the perfect date in mind but everyone keeps bringing it up and I doubt it will happen anymore. :/ But whatever if he would rather do something else then fine. But I just feel so discouraged. I have always wanted to get asked, by someone who actually likes me. To bad at Charter Oak no one would never do anything of the sort. It is just sad because Prom is something I have been looking forward to for so long. My SENIOR prom and I don't even feel like going anymore. And I want to be on court so I can be a princess and I am just hoping for the best. Being on court would make up for ALL the crap that has been happening lately. 

But other than the above, today was good. But ONLY because of the perfect weather, and goin to the park with Emily, Snell, and Jessica. Today went by wayy to fast. 

Well I am so tired I can barley keep my eyes open. So I'll write more later. 

I'm sorry this is so lengthy and pointless<3

xoxo

em[ily]

As we all just sit and stare.

"I'm running away so that you'll chase me, even though I know you won't"

That could not describe how I feel right now more perfectly. I want to apologize in advance for the negativity but things were not to hot today. It all started in math when people had to be STUPID. Just complete and absolute morons. I mean how old are we? 8 years old? Apparently. I'm sick of people talking about me. I mean I know it will never stop and I have accepted that. I now have decided that if people are going to talk I might as well give them something to talk about :] I really don't care anymore. I will please and try to help those that I love but there is no use in making everyone try and like me because they are not going to. So it is all wasted effort. It is becoming more and more hard to be the happy outgoing person that I think I am. But I'll still try. 

Back on to the secret. That describes everything perfect. I feel like I keep running for miles and days in hope that someone will chase after me. BEGGING that someone might think that I am worth the risk but every time I turn around, there is no one there. And I'm not searching for a relationship because then you might look over something fantastic. But I will admit, it would be nice to be chased for once instead of me chasing. I know I'll have to wait but it would be grand to have someone want to be with you. Someone who wants to hold your hand whenever and wherever. Maybe it is all just wishful thinking anymore. 

Honestly, I want a baby. Not because I want to get married or have sex or anything like that but because then I will have a human being who will love me unconditionally and whom I can love just as much back. It seems like that would be the only loyal human who could love an immature, dorky person like myself.

I hate that I am not her. And even more, I hate that I won't change. I mean if I did, you might want me :] and we would be happy. But I just can't do that. I also can't be like those girls. I don't know how or anything. But whatever. My day will come someday hopefully. And hopefully sooner than later.

I think I know who I want to go to prom with! But I have no idea if he will go with me. We will see. I'm so excited.  Well that is enough meaningless complaining for now. I promise to write happier things later. But as for now I have nothing interesting to say. 

xoxoxo

em[ily]<3 

Love is all you need?

Then why in the world is it so hard to find in this jumbled mess we call life? I feel like I am wasting my time. I know I am young and have so much to learn but how in the world am I supposed to learn when I don't have any chances? Things are just messy right now. I finally found someone of interest for the first time in a while. Which for me is a huge thing. But the thing is I am not anything that he would be interested in. I need more confidence. :] I always seem to catch boys at the wrong time. When they aren't looking for anything. It sucks. I'm always a little to late or a little to early. Oh well. I figure I deserve to be chased once and awhile right? I want him to make the move. But I suppose he isn't willing to take a risk. Which is understandable, I'm not really anything worth taking a risk over. And these guys only seem to create this assumption even more true. 

ANYWAYS!

Spring break has been amazing<3

New York is absolutely everything I thought it was an more. I had so much fun! I have made up my mind that I will go to school out there. I can't even explain how amazing everything was! I wish I could go back this very instant.

Six Flags Magic Mountain was fun yesterday for sure! I love my friends<3>

Hopefully things will get better soon. 

ALSO! 

I really want to go to prom. I need to find a date. I also would love to be on court. I hope people vote for me. I would like nothing more than to be a princess. Gosh I want this more than anything. Well my fingers are crossed. Wish me luck.

I have a test tomorrow...yuck! I hope I do well. It is bettime now. Thanks for reading about my life as of now. :] 

xoxo

em[ily]

I love you, you're perfect. Now change.

Yesterday I walked into the drama room after the Royal Oak Performance Rally and these fools were wearing the EXACT same thing as me haha. We didn't even plan it. 

It was rather cute in my opinion! That was the highlight of my day. Ohh and getting pinkberry with Madi and Sam was preeety tiiiiiiight<3

Today was Wicked Wednesday! haha But we were the only three who remembered. Therefore we are the coolest ones. Duh. :] Today was also the start of FITNESS APRIL. Hot Beach bod here I come :] I went through SO many bottles of water today. I peed for like 20 minutes after first period. No joke haha. I thought I was going to miss my next class. Tomorrow is Jassersize apparently. Haha. I might have to stick with my tae bo though...I need to pack. ANYWAYS! Today was a good day. The dance show was good and entertaining to watch. 

ALSO! I found out some good news about a friend and I am very happy. New York is in two days and I could not be more excited! I wish I could be more insightful but tonight was just a rambling night :] 

Favorite song quote of the day/evening:

What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me.
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,
And I'll try not to sing out of key.
I get by with a little help from my friends,
I get high with a little help from my friends.

I ADORE this song<3>

Too bad I just blend in with the scenery. Maybe one day he will notice me<3

Good night!

xoxo

em[ily]