I find it funny. So I'm going to get this off my chest really quick. So you know how people are suuuuper religious? Yes, that is fine because I used to be too. I still am somewhat religious but my views are constantly changing. I mean I have a lot of questions and I guess I am stuck in a state of doubt about the whole subject. I will be the first to admit that I am trying to find my way in this crazy, chaotic world. But how in the world can you say you are SO religious yet do some of the things you do that contradict your beliefs? I mean sure you say that you don't go to church anymore. But is that all it takes to justify your actions? Because you don't gather with people who have the same views on the subject as you once or twice a week that allows you to constantly have sex, drink your ass off, and just defy everything you used to believe? I just don't understand how your beliefs can change so quickly. Is it attention? or do you think that by doing this you think you will make more friends? And I know I am a HUGE contradiction to this whole post but I even confuse myself too. I don't even know what I am trying to say here but some people just really seem dumb. Sorry for this random rant. I'll post a real update later. It has been forever since I posted on here. Well I'm gonna go make dinner now. Until next time Blogger <3

em[ily]<3

“To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.”

Truer words were never spoken. Brandi Snyder was a smart woman. Yet if that is so true then why do I feel so useless; Like I am not even just one person. I help so much. I don't help because I have to I do it because I want to. I obtain pure pleasure and joy from being able to help another person. It makes me feel good to bring someone else's spirits up. And this weekend I helped one of my roommates. I listened to her when she was crying in her room. I consoled her and told her we would handle everything that needed to be done. I took care of her and her friends when she decided to get drunk. I cleaned the dorm so it wouldn't smell and so we wouldn't have to do it the next day. I didn't do any of this because I felt obligated but I was able to do so. And I did. How do I get repaid? I would at the very least have expected a "Thank you so much for helping me out last night and being there." If not that at least a little appreciation. Instead I get "Fuck you Emily. I don't need you in my life. You aren't my mother so stop trying to help me". REALLY?!? Um then why the hell are you crying to me? If you didn't need me then stop coming to me. I don't know why you have to treat me like shit when all I do is give to you. I share almost everything I have and you say you don't need ME? Well that is fine because I definitely do not need you in my life.

This is why I hate girls. They are so self absorbed and think they can do ANYTHING they want. I suppose it is cool to treat the people who care about you and who sympathize for you like complete shit. Well let's see how that works out for you. Good luck. Honestly, I can say right now that you have pushed me as far as I can go. I want to say that I hate you but hate is a strong word. This is ridiculous because you have never treated me in a way to where I would want to be a friend to you anyway. But I am too caring and it looks like you are just another person who decided to take advantage of my character. Well I'm done now and you have just given me a reason to never speak to you again. At least until you want to settle this. But the worst part of it all? You don't think you did anything wrong. Your actions are justified in your mind. Hurting me and making me cry is okay in your book. Awesome. At least I know where you stand.

I was fine without having any friends at school so far and CSULA I am sure I can cope being on my own. Besides I do have friends so I definitely don't need someone as negative as you in my life so good bye. I'm out. I need positives bringing me up not your negativity bringing me down. Oh and you're welcome for burning you those CDs and giving you coffee and letting you borrow my clothes without you asking. Oh and thanks for always using my shit and breaking my printer. You are a real friend.

Sorry this was so negative but that is how I have been feeling lately. I just want to be happy again and I haven't been. Hopefully I'll be out of here soon. I'm going to bed now.

em[ily]

Update!

Hmmmm, lets start with the days:

Tuesday!

I went to Pilates and had a fantastic work out. Then I packed up all my stuff and headed to the train to come home for Thanksgiving break. My mom picked me up at the station and we went home. Then after my amazing nap, Bailey got home from Santa Cruz and picked me up and we headed off to Irvine to see Dina. BED was reunited as well as Kim, Asha, and Dean! I knew it was going to be a good night.

Wednesday!

We woke up at 11 and headed to the cafeteria to get some breakfast/lunch. The food there was surprisingly very good. After eating we got our stuff and BED headed home. I got to see mommy and papa Westerhoff. I love them so much. Then I went home and chilled with the parentals. I had an early night haha.

Thursday!

THANKSGIVING! It was fantastic. It was nice to see my family and I think I ate my weight in food. It was marvelous! There were some minor trifles that day but I got through them. We went to my grandparents' house around 9 in the morning and ate breakfast. Then we visited and had out Thanksgiving lunch at 1. It was so delicious. Creamed corn is my favorite along with mashed potatoes! Haha. Then everyone headed home but my brother and I spent the night at the house. We spent time with Grandma and Grandpa until they went to bed. Then my brother and I had sibling time.

Friday!

First my Grandpa and I went to Legends to get breakfast for everyone. I ran into Collin and Evan from KK. That was a nice surprise. Then I spent all day decorating my Grandma's house for Christmas! It was so much work. In the past my grandma and I would always work together to get everything done. But she can't really do that anymore so I do it for her while she keeps me company. My brother put the tree up and did all the lights. Then he left after we ate lunch. We had leftovers and it was just as delicious as the day before. Before he left my grandpa paid us for our hard work. We don't help them to get paid. We do it because we like to spend time with them and help them. But it was a nice little perk (: Then I went home and changed. After I headed over to Sir Joseph York's house and we watched movies with Maddi and Dylan. They were being all flirty and stuff so it made it a little awkward but Joe and I just laughed at them the whole time. We went to Starbucks for COFFEE! And I run into a boy I knew in middle school. But I didn't know if it was him for sure so I didn't say hi. Turns out it was him haha. Then we went to pinkberry and I ran into another boy from my middle school. He recognized me and we chatted for a little while. It was nice. (:

Then we went back and watched another movie and Joe and Dylan killed zombies! I went home.

Saturday!

I got up and cleaned for a little while. Showered and did my hair then it was dinner time for my birthday! We went to Shogun and my dad got a sushi platter for an appetizer then we ate our meal. It was sooooooooo good.

from my parents:

_New high top converse

_Daisey by Marc Jacobs perfume and the bag that it came in.

_Up!

_two pairs of sweats from Victoria's Secret

from my Aunt Jeanette:

_40 dollars! I'm getting a new jacket. (:

from my grandparents:

_a straightener and 20 dollars to itunes

from my cousins Mindy and BJ and K and H

_ 30 dollars to itunes.

from Joseph

_25 dollars to itunes and coffee!

and Jacqui said she would knit me a headband! I'm stoked.

Needless to say I did pretty well (:

Sunday!

Birthday! (: My mom brought me an eggnog latte from starbucks as a wake up present. I got ready and Jessica came to pick me up. She gave me

_Victoria's Secret undies, they are SO cute!

_a yellow sweatshirt from Victoria's Secret

_perfume.

_and then gave me a mickey mouse antenna ball.

SHE TOOK ME TO DISNEYLAND! It was so pretty there because everything was all done up for Christmas. It even snowed on Main Street! I got three birthday buttons and had so much fun spending the day with my best friend

_skittles

_starbursts

_a butterfinger

_A RED BETTA FISH! (:

His name is Birthday Sex and I love him so much. He is so pretty and sits on my desk.

I think it is safe to say that this birthday was a very good one (: Probably the best one so far. I am so thankful to have such amazing people in my life

_em[ily]

Finally.

So this post is not about anything that happened today. My weekend post will be tomorrow. This is something I wrote while sitting in my Business class bored out of my mind. Let's fill you in real quick though. So things at school have been going down the drain this whole month. People like to run their ignorant mouths and spew shit that isn't true.

Lately I have been so out of it. My life has become so full of routine. Everything is so monotonous. I wake up, grab something quick for breakfast and go to my classes. Sure I'm there physically in class, but mentally I am not. My mind is never there. Life has become so boring. I go through my days with motions but never any emotions. I feel as though I am living my life on auto pilot. I wanted so badly to get out of Covina. Give myself a new reputation and not be tied down to what everyone here thinks and says about me. I wanted to get away from all the jerks I knew. I didn't want to leave the people who meant the most to me. I thought that moving away, even if it is only to LA, that I would meet intelligent people. People who like to talk about literature, who know what real literature is, and like t talk about movies and music and fascinating stuff like that. I mean I am in college isn't that what I am supposed to have? I wanted to meet more people like Jacqui, Tyler, and Max. People who know who they are and what they want. People who are not constantly concerned with stupid drama that doesn't even mean anything. Boy was I wrong. I think this situation is worse in college. Because not only do these people love to create drama, but they think they know everything there is to know on this Earth. NEWS FLASH, you attend Cal State LA. If you really knew everything, don't you think you would be at an IVY LEAGUE COLLEGE? People here are so quick to pass judgement and once their minds are set there is no changing them at all. I am trying to take all this negative as a learning experience but when is all this negativity going to stop? It keeps getting worse and hardly gets better. I keep letting myself get used. I let all of this happen and I need to change it. I need to surround myself around intelligent, fun, happy people. It would just be nice to have people who will continue to teach me things rather than constantly put me down. But we will see. Hopefully these rumors of me being a lesbian, sleeping with the entire firefighter team at CSULA, and getting freaky with the threesomes will die down. Things can only get better from here. I just need to focus on the quarter coming to an end and finish my final projects. Hopefully I'll do good.

Well I'm going to watch the episode of Glee that I missed. I'll update more tomorrow! Good night loves

<3em[ily]

Seen enough of my friends in the depths of the godsick blues

It is so hard to pretend not to care. When it happened the first time it was whatever. I figured it was a one time thing and something like that wouldn't happen to me again. But then it did and I shrugged it off thinking maybe I just wasn't having very good luck. But it just keeps happening. My question is why do I always get involved with jerks? I think I just attract them like old men to two cent whores. I think I have the words "use me and then break me" written on my forehead. I mean why else would this keep happening? And then people always have to run their freaking mouths. I thought leaving high school meant I could get rid of any bad reputation I had and be able to start new. Be able to get by with out being called a nerd or a slut or whatever else they used to say. But I guess I just look like a slut. People who don't even know my name are talking about me like they know my life story. NEWS FLASH, you don't have the slightest idea. Just because I was over at a friends dorm does not mean that we are having sex. Just because I have been spending a little more time with a guy does not mean that we are dating. The guys that I hang out with are only interested in one thing and that is definitely not me. So why am I the slut when she just gets around. Wow. Some people amaze me. Honestly, this is why I haven't been looking for someone. This is why I kept to myself in this department. THIS EXACT REASON. I am so sick of being hurt and they always say the exact same thing. "I'm different. I really care about you. You are not like all the other girls". Really? Because I'm pretty sure I heard those exact words come out of your mouth to other girls. While I was sitting right next to you. How stupid do you think I am? I feel like it just all doesn't really matter anymore. All of this has really made me think about everything in my life right now. I don't like who I am becoming. I don't even know who I am becoming to be honest but I can tell you that I don't like it. I need to take a big long break from everything and sort my own shit out. But for some reason I can't do that. My friends always have something going on and I need to put them first. In reality I should probably put myself first. I mean how in the world am I supposed to help someone else when I can't even help myself. But I just can't do that. I don't have the ability to fix anything without breaking down. I am such a fool and I am just so discouraged with everything. Boys, friends, school. I just feel so empty and alone even though I'm not.

Sorry this is so lengthy. I just needed to get it all out before I break down. I feel like such a brooding teenager but who else am I supposed to talk to? No one really wants to listen to my bullshit. So again, I apologize.

Good night for now. Hopefully I'll be able to get some sleep tonight. <3

So much has happened.

I don't even know where to begin. Geeee, well so far I am loving college. For the most part anyway. My classes are so easy right now and that gets a little frustrating but it is nice to not have so much going on for once. It gets lonely here but I have great roommates to keep me company. There is so much boy drama... And quite frankly, I am not interested in finding a boy right now. I mean sure it would be nice to have someone be particularly interested in me and someone who I can hang out with in the evenings. But so far, there is only one of those here and of course he is interested in my roommate. Story of my life right? Hahaha, half the people here don't even know who I am. It is always "Oh look! It is Ace and 'whats her face'" Hearing that gets old after awhile. Sorry I am not athletic and as good looking in your opinion as she is. That doesn't mean you need to be rude. I have been feeling a little off lately and I feel like I constantly need to be reminded that I am worth more than the crap that is being presented to me. But this shall pass hopefully. Oh, but I do have guys here that seem interested in me. But I definitely don't feel the same way. It always seems to happen like that. I don't know, for once I would like it to go my way. But it's alright. That is the last thing on my mind right now.

I had my Math mid term today. Well the first one anyway and it was SO EASY!! Oh my goodness. I finished in 20 minutes and got out of class an hour early. I checked my work for 10 minutes and still finished before everyone... Apparently people took the whole hour and forty minutes to take the test. The funny thing is, it was only 6 problems and they were IDENTICAL to the study guide. OH! And we got to use a page of notes. Like I said, my classes are so easy haha.

I have another essay due in two weeks. Hopefully this one will be as good as my last one. (: I have to pick an image and write about with the artist is saying to their audience. It should be easy since every time I go to a museum and look at the paintings I make up a story about what is going on. Last time at the Ghetty, my mom and I made it into a game and we couldn't stop laughing. So I need to find an image this weekend to bring in on Monday.

I'm going to see Chicago this weekend with the bestie and I am so excited to get all dolled up! And I love that show so I hope Citrus does a good job. I was SO CLOSE to seeing The Sounds tonight with Jasper but it turns out the person who said he couldn't go ended up going. I was a little upset because I bet that would have been such an amazing show. Oh well. Maybe next time (:

Hmmm, what else? ... I am absolutely obsessed with lastfm.com I got one today to see what it was and I LOVE IT!! Hahaha. I am also obsessed with The Arctic Monkeys, Hey Monday and The Scene Aesthetic. Random right? Well so am I so get over it.

I went to the guys soccer game tonight and oh man! Those boys are SO GOOD. I'm talking amazingly talented. The game was so intense. and so much fun. But this is enough randomness for the night I'll leave with this<3

I'll write more tomorrow and definitely keep this updated. I have been lacking so bad lately. Again because I have been feeling off and down. But I have a new outlook so things should seem better.

OH and I love fall. This is my favorite time of year without a doubt. Good night!

<3em[ily]

"Imagination will often carry us to worlds that never were. But without it we go nowhere."
_Carl Sagan

"I was just using her to get to you.

You don't think she cares right?" UMM ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!

Okay hold up. Let me start by saying this is going to be a long tedious blog about me doing a lot of complaining. So if you don't like that, then just don't bother reading.

Hmm, so last night my roommate Ace was supposed to go on a date with this guy Milo. He has been trying so hard to get with her and saying that he is different than the other guys and blah blah blah. He even told me that and told me how much he liked me. Anyway, so he comes over with his friend Gabe. Let's meet Gabe shall we. So he is from New York and lives in the dorm two doors down. Him and Milo come over all the time to visit. Well Gabe told Ace that he was totally into me and he thought I was cute and different and blah blah blah... But that I was to good for him. First of all. WHAT THE HELL? I'm not to good for anyone. No one is "too good" for any one. But whatever. So he ends up coming over with Milo and they asked if Ace was ready. Well of course she wasn't because I was finishing her hair. And Gabe said, "Why aren't you ready? We are going on a date too" So I went and changed. Well we went over to their place and they made us pasta for dinner. It was delicious! And we were all having a great time. Well they ended up leaving pretty soon after dinner because they had to meet up with some friends who were visiting. So Ace and I went to their place again to visit with their roommate Roy. He is such a sweetheart. Well we find out that the night before Milo had sex with some other girl and has been playing Ace. The Gabe comes back and goes on a walk to talk with Ace. She comes back and tells me that he said to her that he really likes her and was just using me to get closer to her. Then he asks her if that would bother me. WHOULD THAT BOTHER ME? Umm, I don't know. Being used usually doesn't matter right? Ughhh. This just proves my theory that most guys are all the same and it takes a lot to find a decent guy. I mean I didn't have a thing for Gabe, I never let my guard down thank goodness. It is just the fact of the whole situation. But I am definitely the DUFF (Dumb ugly fat friend) between Ace and I. All the guys LOVE her and I mean I wouldn't blame them. She is absolutely beautiful and so amazing. But I thought college would be different. That guys would start to notice me. But I guess not. Oh well. I am here to learn right? And that is what I am going to have to focus on.

But college is great. My classes are so easy for right now. And I have made some great friends, and had some amazing nights (: Haha. But we will see how the rest of the quarter goes. Money is becoming to be such a stressful issue. I mean more os that before. I got my housing bill and almost had a heart attack. And apparently I can't get a job on campus because I don't qualify for work study... I don't have a car so I can't get a job off campus either. Uggggggghhhhhh ): Hahaha. But I'm goign to go talk ot financial aid on Monday hopefully.

But I'm outies because David McMeekin is coming over soon to visit me! Yeeeee <3>Okay byee!

em[bem]<3